Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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