I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
