she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
