Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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