Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize