I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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