he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
