peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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