piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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