i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
