as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
