no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
