remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
