I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
