Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
