everyone is single if you try hard enough
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
