But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
