wrigley field is MILF paradise
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
