I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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