i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize