new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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