oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
