I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
