She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
