you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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