I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
