You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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