i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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