I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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