I think my fart just growled at me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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