There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
