In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
