My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
