I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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