Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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