Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
