Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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