she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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