Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
