I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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