Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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