Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
