babies were throwing up all over the place
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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