nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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