I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
