Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize