i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
