My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He felt like a one man threesome
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
