He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
