I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
