if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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