Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
