its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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