clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
