So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
