My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
