I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
